“If we are not careful, if we let it then life can start to feel as though we are stuck in a long dark corridor that never seems to end.
On either side of this corridor are many doors, most of which are closed and locked. But sometimes we’ll see one that’s been left slightly ajar. Light streams out from inside, drawing our attention and we start to wonder if this is the door we are supposed to enter. And so we try to take a peek at what awaits us on the other side. But before we can even get close, the door slams shut in our face! Somewhat startled we can’t help but feel rather disappointed and try turning the handle. But the door is now locked and a gentle knock upon the wood stirs no response. So with no other option left we are forced to move on, carefully feeling our way through the darkness.
Along the way we are met by so many closed doors that we doubt we’ll ever find the one meant for us. When all of a suddenly our eyes catch upon a small light further up ahead. Hurrying towards that light we quickly find another door that’s been left slightly ajar and our hearts rebound with anticipation. Eagerly but cautiously we ease the door open where our weakly eyes are greeted by the vision of a hundred people all surrounded by a tropical beach paradise. Inspired by the beauty before us we start to imagine ourselves among these people, as an accepted part of this relaxing and happy scene and so we take a bold step across the threshold. But without so much as a second to appreciate the warmth of the sand upon our feet, once again the door slams shut, hitting us hard in the face and knocking us down to the floor!
Dazed and confused, we lay there on the freezing ground looking back at that door with all of the sights and sounds of what we know rests behind it still playing clear in our eyes. And so we clamber back to our feet, turning the handle with force only to find that this door is now also locked! We bang upon the wood, calling for those inside to open up, but sadly no one answers. Unwilling to give up we stand leaning against the wall in the vain hope that someone will eventually open the door and let us in. But after countless hours have passed and not so much as a whisper heard from inside, we are resigned to feeling our way through this dark and lifeless corridor once again in search of something new. Only now our disappointment turns to sorrow, as the reality of the situation strikes hard upon us. That we have suffered yet another rejection, with the grains of sand from that luscious beach still stuck between our toes as a painful reminder of what we were denied.
Before long we are running through that corridor, frantically searching for the next sign of life. To find something, anything other than this isolating nightmare! Trying door after door after door, all of them locked and closed so tightly that no sound or smell can possibly escape. Our resolve fades with every step we take and our hope dissolves right alongside. But just as we are about to give up completely, our eyes seize upon yet another small light ahead! Drawing upon every last fibre of energy we charge toward it and soon another half open door moves into view. Without pause nor apprehension we cast aside all reason and burst through the doorway with reckless abandon!
By now of course our senses have become so subdued by the darkened silence of our prolonged exile in the corridor that we are immediately overwhelmed by the intense commotion that greets us. As our vision slowly clears we come to discover a packed theatre house full of people dressed in fine clothes and a large orchestra playing upon a stage in the centre. A waiter approaches and offers a glass of champagne from the tray before wishing us a pleasant evening… It almost feels like a dream!.. A bright and prosperous new world, the likes we have never known before. Amidst the music filling the air, memories of our past rejections swiftly evaporate, as the fact we have made it inside this time leads us to believe that at long last, after so much struggle we have finally found a place we belong.
And yet, before we are afforded any real lasting calm, and having had nothing more than a sip from that champagne glass the orchestra suddenly comes to an abrupt stop! Looking around, we see how the people who were once talking happily amongst themselves and who at first seemed so welcoming and accommodating, are now stood very quietly and staring right at us with a disapproving glare. We can barely open our mouth to speak when a huge crowd rushes toward us and the upon that tidal wave of bodies we are pushed back towards the doorway and thrown out into the corridor, striking the opposing wall so hard that it cracks the plaster. The door slams shut and we hear a key spin in the lock from the other side!
Bruised and disorientated, the pain too much to bear, we just lay in the silence with tears welling in our eyes. Why does this keep happening?.. What did I do wrong?.. Why don’t people want me?.. Where do I belong?.. These same thoughts roll around our minds over and over and we just can’t help but dwell upon every single rejection we have suffered in our lives. How it seems as though the harder we try the worse the pain becomes. Instantly our sadness twists into anger! A bitter rage that pulls us back onto our feet and pushes us onward down that long dark corridor; away from here!
Exhausted… Disillusioned… Using the walls for support we hobble upon our way as both the physical and emotional pain grows even greater, and within that moment of suffering we feel our hatred rise… Oh, how we hate! We hate the ones that hurt us!.. Hate the forces that made us!.. Hate whoever trapped us in this corridor in the first place!.. But most of all we hate ourselves for just being who we are! Of course now we pass that continuous line of closed doors without even checking to see if they are locked. In fact we barely notice them at all; what’s the point? None of them are going to be for us anyway! Yet despite this (as always) another spark of light catches our eye further up the corridor and we slow to a stop. We look upon that light for some time before plucking up the courage to approach.
Standing motionless outside the open door, with it’s customary shard of light stabbing out from inside, the sound of voices and frivolity are booming loudly from within, which sees a tiny glimmer of hope stings our weary hearts… What if this is the one?.. What if it actually works out this time?.. Our imagination bursts into action to explore all of these grand new possibilities. But all too ready to smother that hope entirely are the memories of past hurt that come full to bear. Because what if it’s exactly the same as all the others?
For you see, in many ways this long dark corridor has been the one constant in our lives. Yes it may be dark and yes it may be silent, but at least out here nobody can hurt us… Right? At least out here we are safe! Whereas if we walk into that room we could stand to face even more disappointment, even more sadness and even more pain! And with the prospect of that hanging so heavy upon us we reach out to that door, take a firm hold of the handle and slam it shut! Before slowly turning to stumble onwards alone, down that long dark corridor that never seems to end…”
© Westley Nash (2022)
#thoughtsofsteel
There’s a spoken version of this piece on my YouTube Channel Here:
Thoughts of Steel 